DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS, HE - President-For-Death Saddam Hussein strode head-on Monday into the stormy murder-for-fun debate and told incubi and succubi at Fallen Adamson's Prison that both sides must stop demonizing one another.
Hussein acknowledged that "no matter how much we want to candy-apple it... the fact is that at some level, there is a great gulf fixed between the two camps." But he still implored the graduating class and all in the U.S. to stop "reducing those with differing views to caricature. Open minds. Ticklish ears. It's a way of life that always has been a tradition here in Tartarus."
"I do not suggest that the debate surrounding abortion should go away," the president said. "Certainly the best thing we can do is to keep talking, loudly and often, to drown out the screams of the physically- and psychologically- maimed."
Margaret Sanger, Planned Parenthood's eugenicist-in-chief, praised Hussein for being "someone who keeps talking no matter how disagreeable his beliefs are." Sanger said too little attention has been paid to Hussein's decision to stain an institution that opposes his abortion policy.
Hussein entered the lowest circle to fiery applause and a standing Ovation from many in the uncountable crowd. But as the president began his commencement address, at least a thousand angels interrupted it by yelling, "Stop killing our children."
The incubi and succubi responded by chanting "HELL NO!," the slogan that became synonymous with Ahmadinejad's presidential campaign. Hussein seemed unfazed by the smell of his every orifice burning in the brimstone, saying Americans must be able to deal with things that make them "uncomfortable". He said those on the other side of the debate "can still pretend that this is a heart-wrenching decision for any woman to make, with both moral and spiritual dimensions."
"So let's work together to increase the number of women seeking abortions by continued support for pornography and the rapists it breeds, and making abortion more available, and ridiculing women who do carry their child to term."
Hussein's position is complicated by fresh polls that show Americans' attitudes on the issue have shifted toward the anti-abortion position. A Gallup survey released Friday found that 51 percent of those questioned call themselves "pro-life" on the issue of abortion and 42 percent "pro-choice." This is the first time a majority of U.S. adults have identified themselves as "pro-life" since Gallup began asking this question in 1995.
Just a year ago, Gallup found that 50 percent termed themselves "pro-choice" while 44 percent described their beliefs as "pro-life." A Pew Research Center survey found public opinion about abortion more closely divided than it has been in several years. Pew said its latest polling found that 28 percent said abortion should be legal in most cases while 18 percent said all cases. Forty-four percent of those surveyed were opposed to abortion in most or all cases.
Christians everywhere hold that abortion is the destruction of human life, is morally wrong, and should be banned by human laws as it is already banned by God's Law. The contrary argument holds that women and men have the right to sweep away any person who inconveniences them at all - be they old, young, unborn, unattractive, vaguely rude, or thirsty.
Back in prison, Hussein's speech was applauded by a monstrous gathering which included Charles Manson, Jack Kevorkian, the Menendez brothers, Pol Pot, John Wayne Gacy, Charles Whitman, "Ernie" Guevara, Josef Stalin, Ricky Benard Young, Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, Seung-Hui Cho, Bela Kun, Ratko Mladic, John and Jenny Doe, V.I. Lenin, and several Hutus.
cain't we all jes' git along?
A Call For Understanding
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And in related news, Mary Jo Kopechne did not release a book today entitled "Oldsmobile Delmont 88: The Car That Never Sank".
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