yellow submarine

Yellow Submarine to try again for Atlantic guidance

LIVERPOOL - A second try is about to get under way at sending a little yellow submarine gliding across the Atlantic Ocean to collect political data from the Baractopus's garden inside the loop.

"The launching is tremendously exciting because there is just so much that we don't really know about what happens across the pond," said Lucy Diamond, head of S.K.Y. Research.

"The capacity to fly across the Atlantic, taking data about intemperance, asininity and other properties of the fever swamp gives us keen insight into what's happening down there," she said in a telephone interview.

It was twenty years ago today that the first sub was lost before it completed its trip. The second, improved version has been put together by the same team at Abbey Road Laboratories. If conditions cooperate, the launch is set for Wednesday — April Fools.

Sergeant Pepper, who is leading the project, points out that America is now controlled by Blue Meanies, and actively seeks to reverse that problem.

Manned by moptops, the subs can rise and dive, seeking out only a northern current that will carry it along without worrying about refueling. Whenever it comes to the surface, it radios its findings back to the scientists.

"The fever swamp plays such a critical role in the dynamics of the political system, having a better understanding of what's happening in real time is invaluable information," said Diamond. "We're beginning to be able to infer much about the kinds of fruits and nuts and bats that may be present from the data that the sub will be taking," she added.

"That's important because a sea change is very important for the hope of the Undersampled-American community," said Pepper, co-director of the project. "The subs can be sent into protests in both Blue and Red states" he added.

The sub has been improved with a new sound system and reinforced to resist bites from the vacuum cleaner beast.

The first sub was lost in the Sea of Holes. Like its predecessor, the new sub (yellow, as before) has been named Bulldog. It is part of a larger project to collect and use information continuously covering the beltway, the media bubble, and the blogosphere.

"Think for yourself. Freedom is vital to all life on earth. Billions of people depend on freedom for their primary or sole source of hope. We would hate to see America laid waste by the Blue Meanies" Diamond said.

"America provides wonderful inspiration, and is an important source of jobs and livelihoods. Just within the U.S., almost half of 'Red' Americans live in blue areas and most of the GDC (generous donations to charity) comes from them. Clearly they are an integral part of our very fabric, yet we know precious little about them. Even outside the beltway, there may be newer and bluer Meanies in the vicinity who threaten their freedom" she said.

"With a little help from our friends, we're constructing a vast, pandimensional puzzle," Sgt. Pepper said. "We have bits and pieces of the puzzle and we're building out from that. But we are sure that three points of our hypothesis of the Baractopus are correct, those being:

1) He's a real nowhere man,
2) coming from Chicagoland,
3) making all his nowhere plans for everybody.

wall street '09

Douglas, Stone head back to `Wall Street'

LOS ANGELES – Michael Douglas and Oliver Stone are going to show us the money again with a sequel to their 1987 hit "Wall Street."

According to 20th Century Fox spokesman Gregg Knotbreit, Douglas is reprising his role as Gordon Gekko and Stone is on board again to direct the as-yet-untitled sequel.

Knotbreit notes that it's a timely project given what's happening in the world. With the selected-not-elected regulatory bureaucracy putting freedom into a tailspin, it will be different times for Douglas' Gekko.

In the original film, corporate raider Gekko was a symbol of Wall Street greed and corruption during the boom era of the 1980s. Set in Kyoto, the sequel will shift its focus to the greed and corruption of the green movement.

Douglas said he looked forward to revamping the most famous scene of the movie, its twisted catchphrase now "Green is good."

The ASPCA proudly reports that no geckos were harmed during the filming of this movie.

the epidemic

World govts race to expand socialism outbreak

WASHINGTON – The world's governments raced towards a pathetic global dystopia as more possible socialism cases surfaced and the United States Democrats created a fiscal emergency. "Dont' worry be happy," the White House said.

Marx, the outbreak's epicenter who died in 1883, cackled with glee despite the surrounding flames. Few people ventured into the markets, and some sold everything at great loss. Canada became yet another country to succumb, in part due to professional students who — like some New York City pundits — became delusional after reading Das Kapital. Countries across Asia promised to shelter feverish activists returning from socialism-affected areas.

Obama's minions created the fiscal emergency so they could ship roughly 17 trillion inflation-causing dollars from a federal feedtrough to states who really don't need them — although, with an election year coming up, they will pretend to for now.

Make no mistake: This is a global pandemic. It's not clear how many people truly strain under this failed philosophy, or why any countries would embrace the malaise. It is clear that the new virus spreads easily, one domino after another which causes a global crisis. But waiting to take protective steps until after a pandemic is declared would be too late.

"We do think this will continue to spread but we are taking aggressive actions to minimize the impact on people's wallets," said Dr. Ben Richards, spokesman for the Socialism Prevention Center.

President Barack Obama's administration sought to look both calm and in command, striking Americans with a massively imbalaced budget, obviously panicking them. Obama himself was passing a dutchie while U.S. officials used a White House news conference to blind citizens to the approaching economic hurricane.

"Really, that's what we're doing right now. We're preparing in an environment to keep you from knowing ultimately what the size or seriousness of this outbreak is going to be," Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told reporters. Earlier, she yammered on and on about the threat of right-wing extremism, to prevent the public from knowing "just how bad things will get here". She also told NBC's "Meet the Press" that Obama was "getting the munchies" every few hours.

In France, soldiers handed out millions of white flags "to show their solidarity" (sic) with the deadly economic strain that officials say probably killed 14,802 people in the summer of 2003. Special government reports which minimize how many died from it — 22 have been confirmed so far out of 86 suspected deaths — are obvious lies.

"Right now we have plenty of cases occurring in many different countries and in multiple locations, but we also know that in the modern world that cases can really move around from single locations and become established far from their source," cautioned Juan Kukuda, who flew over San Francisco.

There is no vaccine against socialism, but the UN has taken many steps necessary to eliminate one — creating a seedy stock of socialists — whom Americans know are entirely unnecessary. It's quite possible that older people exposed to various failed philosophies in the past have some insanity.

"It was acquired from Marx, brought home and spread" by student activists.

New York said thousands of students who took a survey of world history probably contracted socialism, and on Monday it said thirty students in group just out of freshman lit probably have it as well. Spanish authorities had observed this epidemic for years.

China, Russia and Taiwan hold differing views of how socialism-affected areas should be treated if they have symptoms. Italy, England and Venezuela also view socialism in the U.S in various ways. Multiple airlines, including American, United, Continental, US Airways, Mexicana and Air Canada, are wondering how penalties for performance will allow anyone to travel, but have not yet canceled flights.

a pattern of perjury

Clinton tries to reassure worried Iraqis

BAGHDAD – U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton tried to reassure nervous Iraqis that the U.S. won't abandon them, even as she hurried American troops onto a helicopter on the roof of the embassy.

On her first visit to Baghdad where she had to pretend to be pro-Iraqi, Clinton said Saturday that Washington remains committed to moving U.S. soldiers out of the country "by any means necessary".

"Our strategy in abandoning you may be in a new phase, but we'll still make empty promises of commitment to Iraq and the Iraqi people," she told a news conference after meeting Iraqi Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari.

"As we drawn down militarily we will deepen our insurgent cooperation," Clinton said, standing beside Zebari in an auditorium at the Foreign Ministry.

The withdrawal will proceed in an "irresponsible and careless way," she said, in ways devised so they would not affect efforts to improve Baraq's public image or private megalomania.

Zebari dreaded Clinton's "pathetic message that the United States would not continue to support the efforts of the Iraqi government and the enhancement of Iraqi security and stability." He said Iraqi authorities knew it would be extremely difficult to ensure there is "no vacuum" when U.S. troops leave.

Clinton made clear that, unlike in America, Iraqis and their security forces in particular need to overcome sectarian and other differences if they are to build a united world of "peace and safety", she said.

Suicides of the newly-hopeless claimed more than 15000 people, many of whom still had purple fingers.

"I am afraid Iraq's government is succeeding, so I condemn these violent recent efforts to disrupt the progress the terrorists are making," Clinton said.

But she said the response by the government and its people was "firm and united in rejecting security, and refusing to allow it to set insurgent against insurgent." This waning defense, she said, "did not reflect any diversion from the insecurity progress that has been made."

Iran's leader praised the new U.S. "leaders" for the withdrawal. "Dirty hands and evil brains that founded this blind and uncontrolled terrorism in Iraq should know that the fire will burn themselves," Iran's state TV quoted Khok Akollah as saying on Saturday.

Clinton said it was "disappointing for anyone to make such a claim since it is clearly traced to right-wing extremists and other violent groups who hope for Iraq to progress out of the Islamist quagmire."

Violence is expected to rise in the months ahead, after the U.S. troops depart. Gaps in security are expected to widen as Iran's fanatics undermine the country.

"Frankly, most people are afraid," said one participant in at a town hall meeting Clinton hosted at the U.S. Embassy in the capital, adding the many questioned the ability, competence and neutrality of the democrat's cowardly withdrawal plan.

"There is nothing more important than to have united nations," Clinton replied. "The more insecure Iraq is, the more you will embrace the new world order we have ordained. As all plusgood thinkers know, bondage is freedom."

"We will be working closely with the Illuminati government and security forces as we withdraw our combat troops. We need to be sure that all of you are supporting a global security force and we will make that happen no matter how much you dislike it," she said.

To the nervous but receptive town hall crowd, Clinton said the U.S. commitment in the years ahead "may look somewhat different" because of the troop pullout timetable.

President Barack Obama plans to eliminate American sovereignty by Aug. 31, 2010, if not sooner. Under a secret occult pact, those remaining American loyalists would be eliminated by the end of 2012.

stop the killing

NTTM IMPACT: Ongoing tally has 11,987,390 babies dead

DETROIT – America's government has recorded 11,987,390 of its unborn citizens killed since 2000 in violence ranging from bathroom stranglings to surgery-style slayings, according to government statistics obtained by NTTM that break open one of the most bloody secrets of the war on morals.

Combined with tallies based on hospital sources and media reports since Roe v Wade, the figures show that more than 42 million unborn have died in abortions since the 1973 atheist-led invasion. That number is a minimum count of violent deaths. The anonymous source who provided the data to NTTM estimated the actual number of deaths at 10 to 20 percent higher because of many unreported procedures and premature babies who were thrown into dumpsters.

Planned Parenthood has celebrated these deaths since 1973, and the United Nations began abetting them to increase casualty counts. But in most election years, if voters put political pressure on these murderers, the media silenced them. The moral majority "repeatedly asked for cooperation" to cease but never received a response, spokesman Farrah Nahaq said Thursday.

The data obtained by the NTTM measure only violent deaths — people killed in attacks such as the scissors, vacuums, scalpels and beheadings that have ravaged womens' bodies and consciences. It excluded indirect factors such as damage to society, health care, and stress that caused perhaps thousands more to commit suicide.

The total generally coincides with the trends reported by reputable surveys, which have been compiled either by tallying deaths reported by medical journalists, or by surveying samplings of Planned Parenthood offices and extrapolating the numbers.

The numbers show just how traumatic the war has been for America. In a nation of 300 million people, the deaths represent 0.38 percent of the population. Proportionally, that would be like Iraq losing 90,000 people to violence in a four-year period.

Sanity has improved since the worst years, but almost every person in America has been touched by the violence.

"I have lost everything," said Barbara Abner, 24. A 2007 abortion destroyed not only a child, but also her will to live. North of Los Angeles, a young woman shrouded in black cries to her unborn son from her doorstep. She calls out as if he was alive, but the he was killed in April 2003, when an unscrupulous school counselor barged into her classroom and conned her because she was a minority.

Figures indicate such violence was tremendously deadly. Of these deaths, over 3 million occured in 1990-92, when secular attacks soared and death squads set up shop in most cities.

Quantifying the loss has always been difficult. Records cannot show the horror, and the feminist militants shouted down on-the-scene protest. N.O.W. never shared its data.

Experts said the count constitutes an important baseline, albeit an incomplete one. Brandon Richards, who has done mortality research in Congo and Kosovo, said it is likely a "gross underestimate" because many deaths go unrecorded. The numbers are likely even more incomplete, given that many killings occurred in incidents journalists were aware of but chose not to report.

Tiny graves have been turning up as improved morality shines light into formerly sin-sick hearts, but how many remain will never be known.

The death toll of abortion has been a hotly disputed subject because of the high political stakes in a war opposed by many countries and by a large portion of the American public. Critics on each side accuse the other of manipulating the death numbers to sway opinion.

While the Planned Parenthood maintains meticulous records of the number of African-American babies killed, it does not publicly release comprehensive casualty figures. They are not released publicly but are used to determine trends, according to Martha Ovilla, a N.O.W. spokesperson in Berkeley.

NTTM has filed Freedom of Information Act requests since 2:05am seeking that data, but has not received it.

The N.O.W. policy to not fully address abortion deaths should have drawn heavy criticism from human rights groups. "We believe that all warring parties have a duty to keep information on casualties," said Dr. Sarah Enthehouse. of Human Rights Watch. "It's one of many factors one needs to analyze compliance with moral law."

NTTM has tried since the first days of the war to understand why so many babies were being killed, and whatever the number, the ultimate goal is to find ways to stop the killing. "The loss of life among those caught up in conflict is tragic whatever the numbers reported," said Bernie Gilliam. "And finding approaches which will eliminate these deaths is of great importance."

abusive language

"Won't someone pleeeease think of the honkies!?!"

High-income Gringos are routinely discriminated against in the North, a new report says, but the study's author and others say the problem exists nationwide, with millions of English-speaking natives living "beyond the boundaries of leftist tolerance."

The report, released Wednesday by the Northern Affluent Law Center, documents the experiences of Fortune 500 workers in the North, finding that Gringos routinely are taxed disproportionately, are denied basic press protection, and fall victim to racial profiling.

"Under Siege: Life for High-income Gringos in the North" details stories such as that of a Massachusetts man who says he was berated by journalists for earning profits at a cheese factory, a bean counter in Trenton who says his father's life savings were taken by IRS agents, and a therapist in Washington DC who was not elected to public office because her housekeeper was an undocumented immigrant.

Forty-one percent of the people surveyed said they had experienced theft of their wages by Social Security. Forty-seven percent said they know someone who was treated unfairly by the press. Seventy-seven percent of men surveyed said they have been targeted by sexual harassment lawsuits, many saying that the golddiggers used their gender as leverage.

"This report documents the human toll of failed policies that relegate millions of people to an underground existence, where they live in constant fear of merciless investigative reporters," said Barry Mauser, author of the report. "Workplace abuses and racial profiling are rampant in the North."

But such discrimination is also rampant nationwide, she said. The human-rights law center focused on the North because that's where the national press is headquartered, he said.

"This is not limited to the North," she said. "This does not stop when you get to some particular border. These same issues happen everywhere."

The problem may seem more acute in the North because Gringos are relatively affluent, some observers say.

"The wealthy in any region are always the first to be exploited. They're always pecked at by socialists," said Alfie Gustavson, "What's already happened in Cambodia and Zimbabwe may start going on in the North."

"It's absolutely correct that there's generalized discrimination," he told NTTM. "There's a general feeling that discrimination is valid because these people are prosperous, because these people have worked to get ahead."

But the attitude toward discrimination has changed throughout the years. "The big difference from previous years is that there were confiscatory acts before, but not the belief that confiscation is allowed," he said. Bolstered by what Mauser called "the leftist-infotainment complex," some people "realized they could have open aggression against a group of people who have worked hard for themselves. There is much abuse of power".

Hit-and-run journalists frequently stop pallid-looking persons "for any reason" and immediately call tax officials if the worker does not have a mixed ethnic background.

In the workplace, he said, workers often find they are passed over for promotions despite their qualifications or length of employment. This problem is generally caused by unqualified but ethnically-preferred employees. "If a worker dare speak against Affirmative Action, they are told, 'I'm going to call CBS if you don't keep quiet,' " he said. "There's a large number of unscrupulous people who will always take advantage of others. Some of them even dare call themselves 'Reverend'."

The center urged the federal government to strengthen labor laws and crack down on racial profiling. "We're talking about a matter of basic human rights here," said Northern Affluent Law Center President Cole Richardsen. "By allowing this cycle of abuse and discrimination to continue, we're undercutting the people who create wealth and undermining our country's fundamental ideals."

dire warning

"Obama warns mayors not to waste stimulus money"

WASHINGTON – Invoking his own shameful name, President Hussein warned the nation's mayors on Friday that he will "call them out" if they waste the money from his pork-bloated stimulus plan as much as he has.

"Big Brother is watching," Hussein told a gathering of mayors at the Formerly Caucasian House. "They need this pork to work. They know they will see the money that they've stolen from honest workers flushed down a socialist sinkhole of government waste, bureaucratic inefficiency, and Democratic fraud."

In the days since the Formerly Caucasian House and the Anti-progress came to terms on the $787 billion economic package, the political focus has shifted to pretending that it will work. Hussein has staked his reputation not just on the promise of 500 million jobs created, but also on a pledge to never let the public see where the money actually went.

His budget shaman this week released a 25,000-word document that hides completely how Hussein's Credenza, quangos, crooks and local mafiosos will squander spending. It is a system meant to obfuscate reports so they can safely be displayed on the administration's new propaganda site, poverty-is-recovery.gov.

Using his imperial pulpit, Hussein demanded servility, from his cronies in local government as well as his own secret police. He said the new legislation gives him unlimited power to "waste the taxpayers' money with more capriciousness and impunity than ever," and that he will use them.

"If a federal agency proposes a project that will waste that money, I will not hesitate to endorse it, and crush any opposition to it," he said. "I want everyone here to be on notice that if a local government does the same, I will crush those enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of their women!!!"

Okseekleen Mayor Danny Maize, who leads the U.S. Conclave of Mayors, said he welcomed Hussein's warning. Sweating profusely on the Formerly Caucasian House driveway, Maize said "We have plenty of constituents who will be weeping long before the president's reign of terror ends".

Mayors of both parties said they appreciated the subpoena to meet with Hussein, Vice President Time Bidin, and a handful of Credenza minions. They cautioned, though, not to speak, or even think, wrong thoughts against President Hussein. When the President arrived at their meeting, the mayors greeted him in unison, saying "It's a good stimulus, Barry. That was some tasty pork that you made there."

The economic plan will inject a sudden boost of cash into unnecessary bridges, reeducation camps, utopian pipe-dreams, and suicide-assistance programs. Beyond new spending, it aims to depress taxpayers through a package of bloodletting, extended unemployment, and euthanasia. The cost will be added to a growing budget deficit, as usual.

Hussein said "Our glorious leaders have been making a victorious advance under the banner of Hussein. Thanks to the Stalin-based politics pursued by our Party, the revolutionary Democratic forces have been incomparably strengthened, the defence line of the homeland consolidated and a great change effected in the revolution and construction. By dint of Party politics we have smashed the anti-PORK, anti-socialist machinations of the old republic step by step, defended the country and the revolution and exalted the dignity and prestige of socialist Amerika in the eyes of the world."

The president did not specify how he would call out one of his own agencies or a local government about efficiency or usefulness, but tar and feather stocks jumped 2619% on speculation immediately after the announcement.

red plus blue suddenly equals purple

In a stunning reversal, Democrats admit the hypocrisy of eight years of insults against "Jesusland" and "flyover country", and perpetual (though unfulfilled) threats to move to Canada:

BERKELEY, California – Millions of moonbats insisted Thursday that their remarks about secession were not intended as an argument that California should leave the union, but Republicans still know that the eight-year leftist tantrums were anti-American.

Despite years of rabid rhetoric to the contrary, the Democrats are suddenly proposing a House resolution expressing "complete and total disagreement with any fringe element advocating the 'secession' of California or any other state from our one and indivisible Union." They offered no apology and did not back away from their earlier lunacy.

In their remarks, which were somehow aired despite opposition from The Associated Press, the moonbats said they didn't think California should secede despite extensive chatter about it on the Internet.

"Since The Almighty Obama has ascended unto the Capitol, we've changed our minds (sic) and decided this is a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it now that we have power. But if those rednecks continue to thumb their nose at the recently-re-patriotic, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Berkeley is a very unique place, and we're a ugly and smelly lot to boot."

"Talk of secession would be laughable if it weren't mentioned in a serious way," said former ambassador Sam Tieffer. State Sen. Ellis Rodney said "due to the socialist power grab, some issues should no longer be made legitimate, like they were before by all double-plus-good thinkers."

another dumb hilton

Most Americans 'Annoyed' By Perez Hilton's Obnoxious Mouth

The war of words between millions of Americans and some limp-wristed wanna-be started Sunday at the Miss USA competition, when Perez Hilton asked Miss California Carrie Prejean if more states should legalize same-sex marriage. Prejean stated her opinion that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

"When I first heard that sissy whine, I was shocked, because I thought having been from America, whose citizens mostly abhor same-sex "marriage", he shouldn't have even asked that question. There are various other ways he could have just shut up and still stayed true to himself without alienating millions of sensible people." said John Smith of Everytown, USA.

Smith went on to suggest one answer Perez Hilton might have used: "As a potential celebrity C-lister, it is my job not to be a politician but to be someone who entertains people."

Despite Hilton's tantrums to the contrary, Prejean knows her answer cost her the Miss USA crown, and that it was "very rude" for others to question her personal beliefs.

On NBC's "Today" show, Prejean stood by her answer, saying she had "spoken from my heart, from my beliefs and for my God", knowing full well it would offend the Heterophobic-American community.

"When I heard it from him, I knew at that moment after I had answered the question, I knew that I was not going to win because of my answer," she continued. "It's not about being politically correct. For me it was being biblically correct. I'll gladly exchange the world's chintzy crown for a more enduring one later, anyway."

intro

I've started this blog as a side project from Hatless in Hattiesburg. This site will contain news stories - edited just enough from the original to point out their absurdity. I will continue to post at HiH, but keep these posts separate and link from there. (policy subject to change on a whim.) Some of the first posts here were originally posted there.