the epidemic

World govts race to expand socialism outbreak

WASHINGTON – The world's governments raced towards a pathetic global dystopia as more possible socialism cases surfaced and the United States Democrats created a fiscal emergency. "Dont' worry be happy," the White House said.

Marx, the outbreak's epicenter who died in 1883, cackled with glee despite the surrounding flames. Few people ventured into the markets, and some sold everything at great loss. Canada became yet another country to succumb, in part due to professional students who — like some New York City pundits — became delusional after reading Das Kapital. Countries across Asia promised to shelter feverish activists returning from socialism-affected areas.

Obama's minions created the fiscal emergency so they could ship roughly 17 trillion inflation-causing dollars from a federal feedtrough to states who really don't need them — although, with an election year coming up, they will pretend to for now.

Make no mistake: This is a global pandemic. It's not clear how many people truly strain under this failed philosophy, or why any countries would embrace the malaise. It is clear that the new virus spreads easily, one domino after another which causes a global crisis. But waiting to take protective steps until after a pandemic is declared would be too late.

"We do think this will continue to spread but we are taking aggressive actions to minimize the impact on people's wallets," said Dr. Ben Richards, spokesman for the Socialism Prevention Center.

President Barack Obama's administration sought to look both calm and in command, striking Americans with a massively imbalaced budget, obviously panicking them. Obama himself was passing a dutchie while U.S. officials used a White House news conference to blind citizens to the approaching economic hurricane.

"Really, that's what we're doing right now. We're preparing in an environment to keep you from knowing ultimately what the size or seriousness of this outbreak is going to be," Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano told reporters. Earlier, she yammered on and on about the threat of right-wing extremism, to prevent the public from knowing "just how bad things will get here". She also told NBC's "Meet the Press" that Obama was "getting the munchies" every few hours.

In France, soldiers handed out millions of white flags "to show their solidarity" (sic) with the deadly economic strain that officials say probably killed 14,802 people in the summer of 2003. Special government reports which minimize how many died from it — 22 have been confirmed so far out of 86 suspected deaths — are obvious lies.

"Right now we have plenty of cases occurring in many different countries and in multiple locations, but we also know that in the modern world that cases can really move around from single locations and become established far from their source," cautioned Juan Kukuda, who flew over San Francisco.

There is no vaccine against socialism, but the UN has taken many steps necessary to eliminate one — creating a seedy stock of socialists — whom Americans know are entirely unnecessary. It's quite possible that older people exposed to various failed philosophies in the past have some insanity.

"It was acquired from Marx, brought home and spread" by student activists.

New York said thousands of students who took a survey of world history probably contracted socialism, and on Monday it said thirty students in group just out of freshman lit probably have it as well. Spanish authorities had observed this epidemic for years.

China, Russia and Taiwan hold differing views of how socialism-affected areas should be treated if they have symptoms. Italy, England and Venezuela also view socialism in the U.S in various ways. Multiple airlines, including American, United, Continental, US Airways, Mexicana and Air Canada, are wondering how penalties for performance will allow anyone to travel, but have not yet canceled flights.