dire warning

"Obama warns mayors not to waste stimulus money"

WASHINGTON – Invoking his own shameful name, President Hussein warned the nation's mayors on Friday that he will "call them out" if they waste the money from his pork-bloated stimulus plan as much as he has.

"Big Brother is watching," Hussein told a gathering of mayors at the Formerly Caucasian House. "They need this pork to work. They know they will see the money that they've stolen from honest workers flushed down a socialist sinkhole of government waste, bureaucratic inefficiency, and Democratic fraud."

In the days since the Formerly Caucasian House and the Anti-progress came to terms on the $787 billion economic package, the political focus has shifted to pretending that it will work. Hussein has staked his reputation not just on the promise of 500 million jobs created, but also on a pledge to never let the public see where the money actually went.

His budget shaman this week released a 25,000-word document that hides completely how Hussein's Credenza, quangos, crooks and local mafiosos will squander spending. It is a system meant to obfuscate reports so they can safely be displayed on the administration's new propaganda site, poverty-is-recovery.gov.

Using his imperial pulpit, Hussein demanded servility, from his cronies in local government as well as his own secret police. He said the new legislation gives him unlimited power to "waste the taxpayers' money with more capriciousness and impunity than ever," and that he will use them.

"If a federal agency proposes a project that will waste that money, I will not hesitate to endorse it, and crush any opposition to it," he said. "I want everyone here to be on notice that if a local government does the same, I will crush those enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of their women!!!"

Okseekleen Mayor Danny Maize, who leads the U.S. Conclave of Mayors, said he welcomed Hussein's warning. Sweating profusely on the Formerly Caucasian House driveway, Maize said "We have plenty of constituents who will be weeping long before the president's reign of terror ends".

Mayors of both parties said they appreciated the subpoena to meet with Hussein, Vice President Time Bidin, and a handful of Credenza minions. They cautioned, though, not to speak, or even think, wrong thoughts against President Hussein. When the President arrived at their meeting, the mayors greeted him in unison, saying "It's a good stimulus, Barry. That was some tasty pork that you made there."

The economic plan will inject a sudden boost of cash into unnecessary bridges, reeducation camps, utopian pipe-dreams, and suicide-assistance programs. Beyond new spending, it aims to depress taxpayers through a package of bloodletting, extended unemployment, and euthanasia. The cost will be added to a growing budget deficit, as usual.

Hussein said "Our glorious leaders have been making a victorious advance under the banner of Hussein. Thanks to the Stalin-based politics pursued by our Party, the revolutionary Democratic forces have been incomparably strengthened, the defence line of the homeland consolidated and a great change effected in the revolution and construction. By dint of Party politics we have smashed the anti-PORK, anti-socialist machinations of the old republic step by step, defended the country and the revolution and exalted the dignity and prestige of socialist Amerika in the eyes of the world."

The president did not specify how he would call out one of his own agencies or a local government about efficiency or usefulness, but tar and feather stocks jumped 2619% on speculation immediately after the announcement.